Hi sweet bloggers. How are you doing?
I am struggling a bit- I started the week off good-
I did – I was so busy, working on lots of different artwork including this one.
Then stuff happened with my mom.
As you know she is in assisted living and has Alzheimer’s & Dementia.
I would like to say that knowing that she is safe is enough but it is not.
I have yet to get myself to a place where I can stop internalizing
the hateful things she says, the stress and guilt trips she puts me through –
even I know that is not her it is hard not to let it get to me.
We had a very rough visit on Friday, on the way back to her home she yelled at me for over
a half an hour because “there is nothing wrong with her”, she doesn’t remember why she is “that place”, she does not want me to take her back and she wants me to buy her plane tickets to CA right now! I kept my cool and I reminded her in a very calm and quiet voice that she is yelling and the kids are in the car and we could discuss this later without the kids.
She just got louder and said she would not stop screaming unless I took her to the airport right now! She repeated this over and over (and some other ugly things I won’t repeat)-
I only told here this twice and stopped talking because
I knew it would not do any good; the kids were silent the entire time.
I took her straight back home, she didn’t a word as we walked her to her room.
I told the kids to say goodbye and we left. I was shaking.
Not even a half an hour later she calls and I don’t answer- I am still reeling, my head hurts,
and I have had enough. Seriously with this disease and these type of visits I understand why relationships are strained and people do not visit their loved ones. It is very difficult to be around people who are so negative, mean and rude I pray that it wont always be like this – some people with this disease are not like this. She made me so angry I did not want to go back…EVER, I knew it was unrealistic but I thought it, even if just for a moment (or two).
And here she is calling me like it never happened (because in her mind it didn’t!) saying she needs to run up to the store and could I come by when I get the chance.
I painted this instead.
I noticed many times whats going with me personally reflects in my work.
And this was the biggest piece I was working this week and even though is stuff with my mom is hard there is truly nothing I can do about it. So I pray and I draw, and I paint.
And God gives me peace to let it go. And I share.
It’s a good process I think.
It was pretty intense so I have only one in process picture.
Then it became like therapy – I was in the zone.
I did play with a little editing though.
Funny how a color changes the whole feel of a piece son’t you think?
I hope your weekend was better than mine.